As we approached the front door of the restaurant, there were two, four-foot-tall sandwich board signs inscribed elegantly in bronze-gold type:

POLITE NOTICE

           I watched as people came up to the front door, which was locked until dinner time. After trying the handle, each had no place to turn but to face one of the Polite Notices. Everyone stopped to take in the sign. 

            Two young women approached the front door of the restaurant, found it locked, then paused to read the notice. They looked at one another with raised eyebrows. 

            As they turned and strode towards another restaurant, I could hear one woman say as she motioned with one hand at her outfit from head to toe, “I wonder if this is what ya’ll call ‘gym attire.’” And they laughed quietly.

            Have our social interactions reached such a level that restaurants and other business establishments find it necessary to remind people how to show politeness in how they dress? And what of travelers whose language and outbursts, sometimes fueled by alcohol, create chaos and fear in 200 or more fellow passengers awaiting takeoff in a 175,000-pound aircraft? Do we grimace when we hear protesters sounding off, some with banners likewise screaming obscenities?

            There was a time when work expectations leaned towards the formal and personal time evoked images of laid back. However, for many reasons—entrepreneurship, social media, the news, and the Internet—the lines between what is strictly professional and, conversely, strictly personal have blurred. The lines between polite and impolite have blurred also.

            In an April 5, 2014 article, 5 Rules of Etiquette That Still Apply in the Workplace, the author notes, “As personal and professional time run together some habits are better left at home.” Today, that observation still stands and begs the question:

Is politeness passé or is it still vital today?

            According to Merriam-Webster’s Learners Dictionary polite is an adjective that means “having or showing good manners or respect for other people” and “socially correct or proper”. 

Synonyms for polite include words like

• civil,
• courteous,
• genteel,
• gracious,
• mannerly, and
• well-bred;

while the abundant antonyms for polite are words such as

• discourteous,
• ill-bred,
• ill-mannered,
• impolite,
• inconsiderate,
• mannerless,
• rude,
• thoughtless,
• uncivil,
• ungenteel,
• ungracious,
• unmannered, and
• unmannerly.

            I did not inquire of the maître d’ or manager about the catalyst for the “Polite Notice” by the front door. But I could imagine many events—some naive with simple triggers, others complex and fueled by controversy.

            From experience with people involved in legal conflicts, whether in person or virtual, I can say with confidence that people are not always polite, respectful, or kind. In fact, the participants in formal court proceedings and the less rule-driven alternative dispute resolution forums like mediation, can be amazingly impolite to each other.

            Yet, the politeness factor remains essential. Politeness makes conflict resolution more possible than when it is present. The following are a few politeness factors that are known to contribute to more fruitful, formal and informal conflict resolution: 

1. Good grooming still matters. As the Polite Notice recognizes, there is a time and a place for certain types of attire. Sweat pants and underwear apparently do not impress all persons dining in five-star establishments. And they would not impress a judge or arbitrator or a mediator. A person’s appearance is usually the first thing another observes; proper attire can either add to a person’s credibility or completely undermine it.
2. Crass language signals caution. Crude language bombs may bring out a chuckle here and there, but do they really earn you points? In my junior high school gymnasium, there was a sign above the boys’ locker room that read: 

The use of profanity is a weak mind trying
to express itself forcibly.

            Shocking language and expletives may feel good, but they often, if not always, hang in the air, obscuring the real points the speaker hoped to make. In the end, they may make the speaker appear weak and feckless.

3. The Golden Rule still works. Treating another person in the way that one wants to be treated also implies that one treats another as that other person wants to be treated. Don’t we all want to be met and understood on our own terms? Are we not more inclined to listen or respond to another who understands that we may prefer email, texting, a telephone call, or a face-to-face meeting, and so engages us in that manner? When you can, find out from others, like opposing counsel and your client, their preferred method of communication. The corollary is likely to be better and improved communication. With better communication comes trust-building, and with trust there is more likelihood of resolving problems and conflict.
4. Establish professional boundaries. Politeness implies boundaries. Just like wearing the proper attire at the proper time, keep ultra-personal feats, deeds, and challenges separate from business and professional efforts. This separation of professional from private helps to maintain higher levels of objectivity. It also helps to avoid the contempt that can sneak in when things become informal, or too familiar, or there is “too much [personal] information” shared. When tired or emotional, it can be tempting to cross the personal-professional boundary. Avoid it. If necessary, seek counseling, a coach, or professional guidance from someone you can work with. Likewise, know your own limits when clients press you to discuss or engage with them on matters beyond your expertise and experience.
5. Go the extra mile. Politeness meets others’ needs. Although helping others often connotes donations and volunteering time, I suggest that it is more an attitude of service that leads to action. It means showing up completely in your role as counselor and advocate, giving your best “yes” to the effort, taking the extra time to learn or do “it” better for your client, or even cutting your bill so your client takes home more than you do from a settlement. Consider the benefits of going the extra mile to benefit others:

• It feels good and leads to feelings of belonging and trust;
• It creates a sense of purpose and helps to keep things in perspective;
• It confers a sense of renewal, boosts self-esteem, and fosters stronger relationships;
• Your positive impact on another person is contagious and motivating to others who observe it;
• it impacts your mood with optimism; and
• It decreases the awareness and intensity of physical pain by producing natural pain-killers.

            In closing, let the Polite Notices we observe be reminders of what we aspire to be, personally and professionally. And when in conflict, remember that politeness and respect, like honey to bees, invite communication. With polite communication are improved opportunities for resolution.